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"......" - Interview with Figwit

 
  It was 02:00am and we were all sitting at the bar when suddenly Taika came rushing in. He claimed to have seen Figwit in the men's toilets?! At first we didn't believe him but fortunately for us he happened to have my recorder with him at the time, and he caught the whole thing on tape. Listen here.

We set out to find Figwit. After wandering the streets of Edinburgh for a while, following the scent of pine trees, we came to a dark dead end... and that's where we found him. Just standing there in silence. He did not seem to be surprised to see us.

At first we just stared at him in awe. After approximately 45 minutes we were capable of speech again. I asked if he will do a short interview for us, he smiled and nodded. After another 15 minutes of stunned silence we started...


Figwit is sitting back, looking quite relaxed (and gorgeous). I don't waste time and go straight to the questions.

inDUHvidual: You were obviously angry at the council. Why? Where is all this anger coming from?

Figwit sits in deep thought. Then...an adorable pout as he lowers his hand to indicate a short person. The Dwarves.

inDUH: Oh, so you don't like the Dwarves?

A series of quick gestures. He's obviously upset about the whole thing! He indicates Dwarves, the ring... a lot of nodding and frowning. He's annoyed that the arrogant dwarves had the audacity to suggest they take the ring. He snorts like a horse.

inDUH: So can you talk?

Smiling enigmatically, he simply nods for yes.

inDUH: Why don't you talk if you can?

Figwit smiles, proving a picture is worth a thousand words.

inDUH: How old are you, anyway?

He gives a weighty look of remote elven sadness and makes the infinity sign with his hand.

inDUH: [Enough chit chat! I decide to go straight to the good stuff]: So...you and Legolas what is happening there?

Angry pout. He's trying to look relaxed but is really a bit angry. He obviously didn't think I was going to bring this up.

inDUH: [His looks don't stop me! I go on] How did it start? Were you friends before? Lovers?

A look of shock! at the suggestion that he and Legolas are lovers. He blushes and gestures, indicating he and Legolas had only met recently, and that Legolas is by nature quite jealous.

inDUH: You have an elvish impersonator, Bret McKenzie. What do you think of him?

Figwit nods and waves his hand in a gesture of dismissal. That's when I get to see a bit of that famous Elvish arrogance. Phwoaarrrrr!

inDUH: So you're not flattered by it? By the fact that there's a person who does this for a living?

Pointing to himself, Figwit raises one finger, indicating there is only one Figwit. He smiles smugly. He seems confident that Bret McKenzie poses no threat.

Figwit grooms his eyebrows

inDUH: Do you pluck your eyebrows?

A look of shock. Figwit is slightly offended. Impatiently shakes his head no.

inDUH: [Time for the good stuff again] Are your velvet robes warm and comfortable?

Looks puzzled but nods.

inDUH: And, er... what do you wear underneath your robes?

Figwit raises one shapely eyebrow.

inDUH: Really.

Impish little half smile. Holds palms upward. Nothing. Ladies and gentleman, Figwit goes commando!

inDUH: Have you seen our site?

Figwit smiles sweetly. I pick myself up off the floor. He nods yes and makes a circular motion with his hands, then peers into the circle he's drawn. Strange, but somehow immediately I understand that he means he's seen the site in the Mirror of Galadriel... very odd. I didn't know the Mirror had internet access.

inDUH: Are you from Rivendell?

Figwit nods.

inDUH: Oh, so you know the other elves? Like Arwen?

Figwit rolls his eyes and raises his hands in a defensive gesture as he looks away. He makes talking motions with his right hand, clearly indicating "Blah blah blah" and that I shouldn't get him started on Arwen. Pfffft I don't know what made me ask about Glorfindel's murderer in the first place!

inDUH: What do you do in Rivendell?

This is when things got really weird. As Figwit was looking at me intently, suddenly I found myself thinking... Star Wars. Star wars? Where did that come from? I don't even like Star wars - I like good acting. Then I realize Figwit did it! Is he messing with my head like Galadriel did with Boromir Bean? And why *just* my head? Why not other parts, dammit? Figwit gestures, indicating large hair, flowing robes, a crown, an elf, and majestic eyebrows. A strange flash of understanding passes through me. Just as Padme is really Queen Amidala but has decoys dressed as a queen, so Figwit is really Elrond, and the Elrond we've seen is merely a decoy.
Could this be true or is Figwit pulling my leg? And why doesn't he pull on other things, dammit?

Beleth: And that's why you don't talk? Because your voice would give it away?

Figwit nods.

Beleth: Are you married?

A slow smile spreads on his face. He shakes his head no. I pick my jaw off the floor. His expression clearly says: Single and free to mingle!



I know that as Figwit fans each and every one of you is a towering example of intelligence and wit. You must have figured out already that this was not the real Figwit - it was Bret McKenzie showing us his skills as the first class Elvish impersonater that he is.
(No... we didn't hold a gun to his head. Why do you ask? He's a nice guy. There was no need to turn to drastic measures).

Anyway, below you will find parts of the actual interview, 'behind the scenes' style.

***

inDUH: What do you wear underneath your robes?

Bret: Nothing. Hmmm, how do I express that... (without talking)

inDUH: [laughs] How do you express going commando?

Bret: A look of... [pause] A look of going commando! [ed. note - Very good, Bret, very good.]

***

inDUH: Have you seen our site?

Bret: No internet in Middle Earth.

inDUH: Yeah, I didn't think so. It's funny that I'm talking to you now and yet there is no internet in Middle Earth.

Beleth: There is the mirror of Galadriel.

Bret: (Laughs) It has internet access?

Bret: [does circular motion] The mirror of Galadriel shows many things. Yes, I've enjoyed looking at the website... [nods] a look of yes! of course! In the mirror of Galadriel!

***

inDUH: You have an elvish impersonator... Bret Mckenzie. What do you think of him?

Bret: [acts surprised] Really? A look of... I'd love to meet him!

Beleth: [laughs] Would love to meet him?

Bret: [They would think I'm] in love with myself?

Bret: Ok, what about... [nods] Yes I do but I don't think he looks anything like me. A look of second rate.

inDUH: So you're not flattered by it?

Bret: By Bret McKenzie's looks?

inDUH: By the fact that there's a person who does this for a living?

Bret: Impersonates me? Good on him! Good luck to him. I don't want to seem arrogant but there will only be one Figwit. Bret McKenzie doesn't have a chance!

***

inDUH: What do you do there [in Rivendell]?

Bret: A look of like in Star Wars...

inDUH and Beleth: [laughing] What?!?

Bret: Have you seen Star Wars? What's Queen Amidala? Queen Amidala has doubles that, ummm are killed... Do you understand? A look of that!

inDUH: Whose double?

Bret: I am Elrond! Elrond is figwit!

inDUH: Awwwww it's a scoop!

Bret: [laughs] It's a scoop!

Beleth: And that's why you don't talk? Because your voice would ummm...

Bret: Give it away.

Beleth: Yeah.

Bret: So Hugo Weaving is my double.

 
 
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