Announcer - This is a battle between these two OPEE's (Overly-Popular Epic Elves) in an attempt to see who is truly hot and who is the most messed-up loser of all time. Each duelist has their own Hollywood Make-up Trailer full of movie-making make-up essentials and hidden weapons and surprises. The costumes are from the Council of Elrond. The announcers for today's show will be Laurenel Valawen and Thule Beleg. And remember: any change to a duelist's appearance must remain until the end of the battle. Begin!
Valawen- Legolas, without even looking at his trailer, launches himself at Figwit with his cumbersome over-cloak flying in all directions. Figwit takes the bait and steps aside and grabs the cloak in an attempt to send Legolas sprawling. Legolas uses Figwit's own momentum against him and nimbly slips out of the cumbersome cloak, sending Figwit sprawling, totally devoid of any and all dignity. Point Leggy!
Beleg- Little does Legolas know that Figwit studied under the great Bruce Lee. Seeing his pupil floored, Lee leaps into the arena and delivers Legolas a mind-shattering blow to the back of the head.
Valawen- However, unbeknownst to Figwit, but knownst to Legolas, Jackie Chan is in the audience as well. Hating to see an unfair fight, he catapults into the arena and spin-kicks Lee halfway across the room. As Chan and Lee go at it Legolas dodges an attack by Figwit and races to his trailer. He pauses on the threshold to deliver a humiliating blow. A flick of the hair over the left shoulder and a knowing wink leave Figwit stunned as Legolas disappears into his trailer to chose his first series of weapons.
Beleg- Finding Legolas off his guard, Figwit quickly lays a trap of base powder and lipstick outside of Legolas' trailer door. This leads to a trail of hairspray and then into a pit of hair-comb spikes. He then calls Legolas out. The dumb blonde slips on the base powder and lipstick, slides down the trail of hairspray, which Figwit ignites, and is impaled on the hair-comb spikes.
Valawen- Luckily for our hero, he has been wearing his thick leather travel gear and escapes the evil pit of spikes with minimal damage. He then whips out 20 finely sharpened bobby-pins and throws them so that Figwit is nailed to the side of his own trailer by his hair.
Legolas then takes 30 finely sharpened pairs of tweezers and, throwing them in a knife-thrower fashion, securing Figwit to the side of the trailer. Leggy pulls out a terrible weapon: ¦a normal pair of tweezers. He proceeds to pluck out Figwit's right eyebrow and all (yes, top and bottom) of Figwit's left eyelashes. Legolas steps back and whips out his powder compact and mirror to show Figwit his new lopsided makeover. Point Leggy!!!
Beleg- After receiving such an insulting blow, only one course of action can be followed. Legolas recoils in horror as Figwit draws a pair of razor sharp blades from his belt. No, not knives, scissors. But they were not meant for Leggy; to everyone's surprise he then turns them on himself, snipping the split ends off as well as freeing himself. After disappearing into his trailer, he returns wearing, yes, a kilt. He's doing the old Brave Heart trick. And it's a full moon out tonight. Leggy becomes infatuated by the flawless buns of steel.
Valawen- However, Leggy is a master at noticing slight imperfections. Shocked that Figwit would be so base as to moon National Television (yes, CNN and ESPN are there) Legolas suddenly sees a loose string hanging off of Figwit's kilt! Leggy does a double back flip in the air and lands right in front of the stunned Figwit. Even a thousand years of being taught by Bruce Lee cannot teach that kind of class! Leggy grabs Figwit's own scissors, whips him around and proceeds to make the kilt a mini-skirt. If he wants to be indecent on National Television he might as well do it with style. Legolas then takes the leftover cloth and wraps Figwit's hair in it like a turban. He sprays the turban with large quantities of hairspray and pulls out a lighter. He lights the turban and Figwit runs around in a panic while still wearing the mini-kilt.
Beleg- Regaining his wits, Figwit employs the casual head toss followed by a flick of the hand just at the wrist. This not only wow's the now much enamored audience, but sends the flaming hair wrap at an incredible speed, comparable to a softball pitch, at his own trailer. Why? Has he gone mad you ask?? No? Suddenly, BOOM!!! Unbeknownst to everyone (even me), on Figwit's last entry into his trailer, he set all of his flammable items upon the floor, then busted the seals on all his spray products, letting them slowly fill the enclosed airspace of the trailer. In his "supposed panic" he had run far enough away to escape the blast. The torched torpedo-like turban was the perfect detonator, sending the combustible saturated trailer of Beauty/Death into "Roman Candle on an Oilfield" mode. Instantly shards of glass and metal, besides the soft fireball roared outward, giving Legolas, as Figwit now thought, a rather "hot" new look.
Valawen- Stunned by this fiery display, the audience slowly turns toward Legolas. A terrified shriek arises as the audience realizes that Legolas is MELTING!!! Figwit marches to the center of the ring and is in the middle of a triumphant bow when the door to Leggy's trailer bursts open and Leggy steps out. The crowd is stunned. Figwit's jaw drops to the ground in astonishment as Legolas walks over to the "melted Leggy" and pulls out a small label: "Made in Taiwan!" Leggy had expected some attack from the turban and had switched a plastic statue of himself and hid in his trailer! Leggy pulls from behind his trailer a tennis ball launcher and a set of flaming arrows. But these are no ordinary tennis balls, NO!!! These are soaked in lighter fluid and kerosene! Leggy fires one arrow, pinning Figwit to the side of the ring and then proceeds to "shoot skeet" with flaming arrows into tennis balls aimed at Figwit. Soon dear Figgy is in a writhing, flaming mass. Legolas then pulls out a water trough full of ice water and dunks Figwit in. Figwit emerges sputtering, shivering, badly singed and demoralized. The audience falls into peals of laughter, except for the man in the back, who was hit by a stray kick from Lee as Chan nimbly dodges and continues to battle.
Beleg- Luckily for Figwit, he always carries a can of his "Super Miracle Moisturizing Cream." A stunned audience watches on as the full beauty of Figwit returns leaving Legolas to look like quite the Fool. "That's right, folks. It's amazing, it's fantabulous, it's my "Super Miracle Moisturizing Cream." And it can be yours for only 3 easy payments of $19.99. We accept all major Elven currencies. Sorry, no checks or slaves will be accepted. And try our new Aloe Vera!" Figwit can feel Legolas' shame getting worse and his own wallet getting fatter. But this is not only a savvy infomercial pitch. Something tells me the jealousy he inspired is all according to plan.
Valawen-In the middle of his sales-pitch Figwit is stunned by the sound of multiple telephones ringing behind him. He turns to see multiple portable desks on the stage with various people, including Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Gimli, Arwen and Elrond, operating the phone lines. Legolas calmly shoves Figwit out of the limelight. "That's right! We in Middle-Earth are hosting a telethon (Figwit shudders at the mere mention of the dreaded advertisement) to help the families of all of those who have participated and were lost in the War against Sauron. All proceeds will be given to these families and here is what you will receive in return. For a pledge of $10 a month, you will receive this quality bumper sticker. For a pledge of $25 a month, you will receive this quality key chain. For $50 you will receive this leather-bound history of the War of the Ring. For $100 you will receive the history book with a finely detailed map of Middle-Earth. And for $500 or more, you will receive this training video set for archery and dagger fighting as well as your very own set of daggers." As Legolas continues Figwit is humbled and humiliated by the charitable deeds of Legolas while he was simply trying to line his own pocket. The crowd's admiration is now totally devoted to Legolas for his noble act of charity. Figwit slinks away to pout in the corner as the telethon keeps going and going and going and going and going and….
Beleg- Three hours later…
Suddenly Frodo realizes, "Hey! Where's Figwit?" Aragorn, being a master observer, notices the supposed loser standing in a corner. "Don't feel bad. You just lost on national television and will be going to jail if you don't call off your scam." He walks closer. "Figw…HEY!!!" The others gasp in complete disbelief. "How could he have done it?!" says Pippin; "I can't believe he did it right under our own noses!" exclaims Elrond. Legolas stares into space and says to no one in particular, "The tricky devil! Well he got the best of me yet. No matter, I know we shall meet again." With an unbelievably swift and precise motion he draws and fires a flaming arrow at a life size cardboard cut out of Figwit with one hand on hip and the other blowing a kiss, as if to say “Adieu!“
Valawen- After this momentary and initial shock Legolas recovers, slaps himself for being so taken in by this obvious trick, and prepares to track the "elusive" Figwit. He orders the announcer to set up some chairs for the telethon workers and calls upon Aragorn's incredible tracking skills. After a quick glance around the ring, Aragorn lets out a triumphant laugh. Ash footprints lead to and from Figwit's leveled trailer. After a quick search Aragorn falls into a secret tunnel under the trailer remains. Legolas throws a black jumpsuit over his leather travel gear and pulls out a paintball gun equipped with orange glow-in-the-dark paint pellets. He then drops down in and heads down the tunnel. Ahead a light appears. Legolas turns the corner and sees Figwit outlined by the end of the tunnel. Leggy open-fires with the orange paint and Figgy is taken completely by surprise. He scrambles for cover, but…WOOPS!!! How did a bullet get in there? Figwit falls over in shock clutching the stub that was once his right ear. Legolas decides he has had enough of this little nuisance. He pulls out the Ultimate Weapon: The RARE PURPLE LIGHTSABER!!! "You knew it was no use trying to hide. This is not over until one of us either surrenders or dies…and it looks like you will have to experience the latter. Goodbye." Legolas launches toward Figwit brandishing his lightsaber. Can Figwit save himself, or is this the end of this badly maimed Elven wannabe?
Just as the lightsaber comes in contact with Figwit's neck there is a sudden bright flash. Legolas and Figwit awake in small virtual-reality pods with a mechanical voice over the intercom repeating, "Simulation terminated…Winner, Legolas…Simulation terminated…Winner, Legolas…" Legolas and Figwit climb out of the pods and walk into the control room to find Laurenel Valawen and Thule Beleg at the controls reviewing the battle.
Beleg looks up as they enter and says, "This new system is so cool! It has environmental controls and everything! That tunnel move was brilliant!" Laurenel laughs and replies, "Yeah. Too bad that Leggy was just too smart for that one!" Figwit is rubbing his right ear and looks around with a confused expression. "It felt so real! Are you sure that it was just a simulation?" Legolas gives him an exasperated stare. "Of course it is! Did you think that I would really do all of that stuff to you?" Meanwhile, Beleg and Laurenel have successfully shut the unit down and are discussing who should be their next victims in the Virtual Arena. Everyone heads for the door and another confrontation comes to a close. Sorry, Figgy, but Legolas is just too good for you! Maybe you should choose an opponent more on your level next time! Namarie!