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How Figwit Was Born

by Ana

  There once was a casting director for Lord of the Rings
Who said "Who needs guidelines? I'll take care of things!"
Legolas Greenleaf, hey let's make him BLONDE!
Sindarin Shminderin, he's got it goin' On!
Now let's see, who's next...Oh yes, dear Elrond
Now that guy from the Matrix, let's give him a call
Who cares if he's freaky, and more than half man?
His forehead's just perfect for Costumes' headbands
And Haldir, and Celeborn, let's make them annoying
Elvish voices, whatever, My God that books' boring
And Besides, we're just glossing over Loth-Lorien
Only obsessives would notice...who cares about them?
Now let's see, we've got Arwen, don't need a Glorfindel
So all I need now are some elves for the Council...
Well...this one's too pretty...and that one looks the part...
And casting elvish elves would just break my heart...
Oh no here comes Jackson, I'd better look busy
Oh Sir, how bout this kid? He's not elvish, is he?
And that, my dear friends, was how Figwit was born
The only elf in that movie who's elvish in form
So now while we suffer through Celeborn's nasals
And Elrond's bad acting, and the blonde hair of Legolas
Remember that glorious elf, proud and tall
Our Figwit, Dear Figwit, who should've played them all.
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